There are so many pick-up artists online teaching sleazy versions of how to influence people. These guys are usually teaching quick and sleazy persuasion tactics.
There is nothing wrong with learning persuasion tactics, but many of these ‘pick-up-masters’ are doing so because sex is their chief aim in life. There is nothing wrong with sex, but many of them are advocating for the manipulation of relationships, and sometimes, the outright abuse of other people.
I’m not a hater, and I know that not all people who label themselves as pick-up artists or persuasion masters are evil, but a lot of them are definitely sleazy. Some aren’t even sexually sleazy but they’ve got a sleazy vibe and attitude.
This post will show you how to influence people without being sleazy. You’ll discover the 5 authentic traits that true influential people have. You’ll understand the difference between manipulation and genuine influence.
Why manipulation is the poor man’s influence
Manipulation doesn’t work with everyone – As if we don’t notice
People who have adopted the art of manipulation as their lifestyle often think that they can manipulate almost anyone. Their ego allows them to think that all their little persuasion techniques somehow make them smarter in any social interaction. This simply isn’t true.
I’ve met people who try to manipulate others and who think they are so good at ‘managing relationships’, ‘networking’, or ‘picking-up’. These people NEVER get anywhere with someone like me or my close friends. We can spot these people from miles away.
I’ve seen manipulators manipulate people with lower IQs or emotional insecurities. It’s a disgusting act that’s on display for everyone else to see. You have to think about every time someone uses manipulation and people like me or my friends see it happening. We don’t forget that type of behaviour. Those manipulators have now become ineffective in dealing with us in any way because their character is tarnished.
Manipulation falls victim to the law of diminishing returns – Think long-term
Not only does it damage your potential relationships with those who see through the manipulative facade, but over time it damages the relationships with those who fell victim to the manipulator.
How do you feel after someone was genuinely nice to you? Most likely happy. But how do you feel after someone has manipulated you? You feel uneasy and you don’t want it to continue.
Over time, as the sleazy manipulator continues to burn people, what they can gain through using manipulation continues to diminish. This continues to happen until their reputation is so bad that no one trusts this person. At this point, the sleazy manipulator has now become a victim of his own lifestyle and it will only get harder as this person gets older and their social groups diminish.
Manipulation creates an incongruent identity – Who are you really?
When we are putting on a facade it has a negative impact on our psyche. We can create neural pathways in our brain that cause abnormal development. In my opinion, this shapes a weak minded person.
If you are constantly having to hide from others because you are plotting and scheming then you’re creating a lonely life. This causes a mental and emotional gap between yourself and other people as you withdraw deeper into your own mind. You are unable to openly be yourself.
On the other hand, a congruent person is strong. Being congruent means what you believe, say, and do, are all in alignment with one another. You create neural pathways in your brain that positively associate your thoughts with your actions. You are able to get what you want by being authentic instead of having to manipulate each time you want something. Life is so much easier when all you have to do is be yourself.
Manipulation works sometimes but its negative repercussions far outweigh anything gained from its use.
It’s okay to be persuasive in order to influence people
It’s okay to be persuasive and understand persuasive techniques to influence people.
What if you want to persuade someone of a noble cause? or of a truth that will help them? or of some genuinely good offer or deal?
But, we want to make sure that we adopt a genuine approach to influencing people. Instead of thinking we can just manipulate our relationships for success and happiness.
How to influence people without being sleazy: The 5 authentic traits of genuine influence
Influential people are genuinely funny
Being genuinely funny is one of the most powerful ways to influence people. When you are funny it allows people to relax and enjoy their time with you and it makes people more receptive to your ideas.
The receptivity to your beliefs, values, ideas, and opinions becomes stronger because people enjoy your verbal delivery. They are being entertained by the way you say things. The more people are entertained by you the more they will be receptive to your ideas.
An article from the International Journal of Humor Research builds a case for lawyers and their effectiveness in persuading judicial opinions through humour. Effective use of humour has been associated with the display of high linguistic skills in aggressively ridiculing plaintiffs’ claims.
Humour and language skills are often closely linked. Research by the IEEE Computer Society looks into how to model creative language so that computers can communicate naturally with humans through the use of humour. This type of research highlights how humour and language skills are a deep part of human nature.
The philosopher Søren Kierkegaard viewed humour as an essential part of human existence. Something that is deeply grounded in our human condition. Maybe this is why trying to be funny doesn’t work, because we are in need of that deeper connection that pours out from our core.
The reason I say be ‘genuinely’ funny is because you can’t fake being funny (not until we at least establish computational humour). Even if you can fake it somehow, it is unlikely to be as powerful as a genuine exchange of human connection. You don’t want to be trying to be funny, you just want the magic to flow. We all know what that means.
This is the difference between surface level tactics of persuasion and core influence. When you combine the depths of humanity, with verbal skills, that enable you to articulate the human experience, you are able to resonate with other people deep within their very nature.
When you can laugh heartily you have abandoned your ego and are open to connection. Forming that connection is humour’s strength.
Influential people are extremely passionate
Passion is one of the most powerful ways to influence people.
When you talk to people with passion, and with a deep conviction in your heart, your energy becomes transferable. When a passionate person walks into a room their emotional intensity is so high that it influences the other people in that room. The person with the dominant emotional state influences others in their proximity to align their emotions with the dominant feeling in the room.
In psychology, this influence of emotions is referred to as emotional contagion. Where both negative and positive emotions are contagious and have the capacity to influence people.
If you picture passion as a great motivational fire you can see how powerful it can be in influencing people. Passion ignites intense emotions, creates certainty, provides direction, restores hope, and reveals vision and a way forward for other people.
Passion is a great empowering force and once you light it in yourself you can give it to other people by speaking with fervent conviction. Again, this is core influence, because you can’t fake it, you have to be able to feel the passion yourself.
Influential people are understanding of other people
If you want to influence people you have to be understanding of other people. People feel like you understand them when you are able to see through their lens. They don’t feel alone because you are able to communicate back to them how they think and feel.
People love it when you take the time to understand who they are because not many people do that. When you take the time to understand who someone else is it shows that you value them and it validates who they are as a person.
All of us have a core need to be accepted and understanding a person is a large part of accepting them. If you can’t understand who someone is you are basically disconnected and by default you can’t accept them because you don’t know how.
But when you understand someone they are validated because they are allowed to live and be themselves around you. This means that your existence is good for their existence because finally, someone understands. They know you understand their world and they respect you for knowing who they are.
Influential people are empathetic and know how to build trust
To outline this point I thought I’d shoot a video. You can watch the video below on how to build trust using empathy.
Influential people relate to others on their level
The ability to connect with someone by determining how you should communicate with them is a powerful trait. It’s the ability to see what someone else will understand and to formulate your language in such a way that it makes it easy for them to grasp what you are saying.
Instead of having the goal of understanding the other person, you go a step further and you communicate in a way that makes it easy for people to understand you. The better you are at communicating effectively the easier it will be for the other person to gain a sense of understanding around who you are and what you are all about.
People not only feel good when someone else understands them, they also take pride in understanding other people. So when you make it easy for them to understand your ideas you make yourself more influential. You’ve essentially empowered someone else by giving them easy access to your ideas, which they adopt and take on as their own ideas.
Someone else might have better ideas but not as many people can understand them well enough to take them into consideration. This leaves you and your well-communicated ideas to influence people.
Question: Which 1 of the 5 authentic traits of genuine influence are you looking to strengthen? You can leave a comment by clicking here.